Confessions Of An Insecure Girl

Hey Readers…

So I remember writing this post back in April of what was 2018 , however something prevented me from posting this , but i thought its’s a new year and why let things get in the way of posting your great work and effort … so it’s not an easy post but it i’m sure it would motivate someone who may read this :

So, let’s take a trip down to memory lane… maybe around secondary school times. The early stages of puberty have just kicked in and you see yourself developing in various ways. Ways that maybe you didn’t quite understand. As unsolicited cushions of fatty tissue, unattractive blemishes and wild pubic hair begin to invade your body.

Then the social construct of insecurities comes along, and you start to realise that as your body changes, the images you’re faced with in a daily basis don’t. The covers of Vogue, Grazia and even page 3 of the Sun, look nothing like you. And before you know it, you’re out of the game. You tick none of the boxes when it comes to the world’s perspective of conventional beauty.

When it comes to insecurities, the thought of the body comes to mind, doesn’t it ? Don’t get me wrong, body image- the major player that men and women of all ages have to battle, even as we mature and emotional uncertainties about our bodies tend to remain forever young. This can range from height and weight, right down to awkward physical assets such as boobs or maybe deeper issues such as skin tone. It has been stated that by as young as 13, at least 50% of girls are significantly unhappy about their physical appearance. Upon reading this admittedly, I fell into the 50%.

University intensified this for me. Stepping into a new place where you barely know anyone and first impressions are imperative to making your mark. The first nights out are always the great ones meeting people and making close friends. However, it stood out to me that I was insecure about my appearance when I wouldn’ even wear certain clothes because it exposed certain things about my body . E.g weight gain. I feel like this was the case for many young men who aspire to be extremely built #Gains and women who want the cole bottle curves.

I guess it became quite serious when I was at the point if virtually starving myself, just to get the look that I wanted. The look that “society” deemed to be perfect. Now dieting is completely fine, and it is considered healthy- only when you are doing it the right way and for the right reasons though. Now, I can admit that I was doing it for my appearance and definitely doing the most unadvisable way. I would have frequent periods of simply not eating ; describing it as my way of “fasting” and adding my ideal body weight to my short lost of prayer points.

I fell deep into the dark side of social media and created a new goal for my weight gain.

Approximately 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting to achieve their ideal body shape which is mostly influenced by social media. I mean amazing bodies are literally glorified all over timelines and explore pages, and while this virtual fit-fam may seem motivating to one individual, it is a detrimental reminder of a constant insecurity to the other.

With around 800 million people using Instagram daily, it is inevitable to be influenced by the photos posted on the platform and not develop insecurities about it. Especially for a young adult in this generation, you are more or less likely to have at least one type of social media platform you use, whether it be Instagram, Snapchat or even Facebook. So you are bound to have encounters of public figures or celebrities with ideal body types which can be discouraging at times to the viewer.

I really got hit with anxiety with my self when it came to social media. I was constantly checking my weight, my appearance in the mirror, how my makeup looked whenever I was out and constantly reapplying that Fenty glow believing it would magically mask how I truly felt. I was so bothered by how others perceived me and would review old selfies to remind myself of the times I felt I was THE actual sauce. It took me a while to realise that it was in this constant cycle of feeling unfulfilled about myself and how uncomfortable I was to be in my own body. I knew I had to control this urge of wanting to improve something with my appearance, even when there was nothing to work on.

So here are some thing i’ve started to note to ease this feeling of not appreciating myself:

Written affirmations : I would write down my best assets and things that I value about myself and read them over and over again until I started to appreciate these things for their true worth.

My Faith: Being a Christian, I turned to God for help and I found out that Psalm 193:14 really aided me in struggling times, but after a while I started to overcome my insecurities with his help! I started to be honest with him about my insecurities and I started to realise that God has definitely made me the way he is for a reason.

So to end it here , I hope this motivated you to accept yourself for the way you are. This was a long one so thanks if you made it to the end ūüėā,

Thanks for reading and see you on my next post !

Why I Write.

 

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So, I guess I could say that from a young age I‚Äôve always loved words. It began with reading and you could describe me as a ‚Äúbookworm‚ÄĚ in the sense that my head was always wrapped up in the latest adventurous story that were printed on pages. Eventually I realised that words put in the right frame have the power to influence, educate and transform people, and that is why I write!

Previously I’ve expanded my work from poetry to Spoken Word which is a format of speaking poetry aloud to a crowd, once again with the motive of either educating or inspiring people. This can be used to support examples of famous speeches from Martin Luther King, to Maya Angelou to George the Poet. These speeches have gone down in history not only as revolutionary but powerful and motivating speeches that have changed the world. Evidently so, it has paved the way for many changes in society.
However, I attribute some of my works to artists such as Suli Breaks and DYLEMA who are both UK poets/spoken word artists. Not only because they are captivating in their words and writings but after seeing them both perform live, they’ve left that impact on me that still directs me to my spoken word pieces today.

Suli Breaks, most notable for his piece titled ‚ÄúWhy I hate school but love education‚ÄĚ which has gained close to 9 million views on YouTube is what particularly attracted me to his work. I guess what made it gain such prominence is the fact that it was targeted to many teens, like myself making it very relatable to some of the topics raised in the video. Topics ranging from not being able to fully express your uniqueness under subjects such as English or Maths, and topics such as Black History Month being limited to the generic understandings of Rosa Parks or Martin Luther King. He managed to create a distinction between the purpose of school and the purpose of education which many people could relate to sincerely, simply put it was a great spoken word piece.

Likewise, DYLEMA performed her piece ‚ÄúWhat If a black girl knew‚ÄĚ at a university showcase I attended last year, and her words were truly inspiring. In a short space of 5 minutes she was able to poetically translate to a crowd, common issues that black girls face such as stereotypes of girls in society, insecurities relating to facial features and a lack of opportunities we come across. The fact that once again I could disclose my feelings towards this powerful piece is also what attracted me to her work and motivated me to start writing my own.

So far, I can say I have around three or four spoken word pieces that I can say is finished and accomplished in achieving its goals which is to inspire and to motivate people. I hope to develop my skills further in creating more inspiring pieces to showcase to people of my age and to others too.

Thanks for reading!

 

Noughts and Crosses – Book Review

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As my summer holidays approached this year, I decided to make it a must to start reading again. As I clearly had all the time in the world now away from school and other commitments, I wanted to stray away from social media and delve into what I enjoyed most which was reading!

Before I got engaged with social media, reading used to be my favourite thing to do. I especially loved studying books where we could learn about characters, themes and hidden messages. So I decided to read more this year and accomplish all the books off of my reading list. One of them being, to read Malorie Blackman’s Noughts and Crosses.

Before I picked up on this book, I had heard of her but I had not read any of her books before, so I was excited to see what she had to offer ( I love reading books from new authors). A friend had recommended the book to me and after reading a bit about it I decided why not give it a go. What drew me towards this book was the whole plot of it. Without reading too much into it, I found it really fascinating of how Blackman came up with this story book based on society’s role reversal between black and white people.

Quick Synopsis: The book is based on two people, Callum who is white and is labelled as a nought. Him and his family are lower-class, struggling to survive and have little money. Callum is friends with Sephy who is labelled as a Cross. Her family is black and are very wealthy, in fact all crosses are very wealthy in their town. They are friends, to everyone’s disliking, but endure on a powerful love journey together as Callum gets enrolled at Sephy’s prestigious school.

So the first thing that really shocked me (besides the role reversal of their¬†lifestyle) was the names they were labelled with. I thought it was very smart that they weren’t labelled as just black and white as we are today. But the name nought had a very deeper meaning. It symbolised their position in the story – as nothing. Frequently, they were referred to as ‘blankers’ meaning they were nothing, they had no value, they were just blank. Even in the visual way, a nought is simply a zero which connoted their position in society- simply stating that they had none. Whereas Sephy who was labelled as a cross creates an obvious opposite way of living. They are seen to be more stronger and more powerful in their way of life. Especially when you study the family of Sephy and realise the amount of power they obtain. They were mentioned as black and white in their individual family conversations, but the societal term of ‘Noughts’ and ‘Crosses’ were used by people in the book

The second thing that really struck me was the symbolism and the similarities that the Noughts had to go through, which are totally relatable to the black struggle previously in countries like America. Early on in the book, Callum is smart, which means he passes the test to go to one of the most prestigious schools in their town, which is mainly known for accepting black people only. The book captured his first day, alongside 6-7 other teens who passed the test to be allowed into the school. As they approached the gates, they were heckled by Crosses shouting “blankers, blankers!” and of course they were denied access on the first day. Reading this moment, immediately shot up memories that I had learned in school of the Little Rock Nine students who were denied access to school in Arkansas, due to whites refusing to integrate.¬†I don’t know if Blackman intentionally did this, to catch people’s eye out or if it was done to make people realise that this is similar to everyday life now, but that moment really stood out for me.

Overall, I must say I am very impressed with the book. At times, it did drag on to the exciting parts, especially at the start which made it hard to continue reading on. That’s what is hard for me really, if the first few chapters of a book do not seriously excite me then it is very hard for me to read on until the end. Nevertheless, I continued and I’m glad that I did. The story had a powerful ending to it, and without revealing to much, it allows you to realise the balance of powers between black and white people in terms of the government, those in authority and those who have major control, do we use our privileges against people who don’t have the same ¬†privileges as us?¬†or have we become so used to the fact that we will never be equal to¬†each other in terms of our social status, especially with all the events happening around the world of police brutality to one particular race.

I would give this book 4/5 stars. It hasn’t been better than previous books I’ve read which have left me so amazed that I had to read it again and again, but this book did come with a lot of messages, lessons and good cliff-hangers, so I would definitely encourage anyone to get this book and read it.

I am due to read 1984 or The handmaids tale next so if anyone has read these books, then do let me know how it is!

Thanks for reading ūüôā

 

The Books That I Love…

Books. An item with hundreds of pages and thousands of words that you fixate your eyes upon. Some may sink through to your heart and clasp your eyes until tears of heartbreak pour out, some may even do the same- but only with laughter. Some may leave you in absolute awe of how an author can come up with such a creative concept and simply turn it into a story…

I may not have time to read the all the twilight’s and the Harry Potter’s but these books that I’ve read have¬†either influenced my outlook on life or like above have simply left me in absolute wonder of how a story could be that good. Here are some of a few!

img_20321. To Kill a Mockingbird

Now this book I kind of had no choice about reading since it was for my GCSE’S. But I immediately fell in love with the meaning behind this book. We are immediately introduced to Scout and Jem at such a young and tender age and we see thing through the eyes of Scout who explores how prejudice and discrimination is at a high in her neighbourhood. The book explores how Tom Robinson and Boo Radley are simply treated differently because of their circumstances; Tom being black and Boo being a recluse. To me the moral of the story is¬†to simply do not do anything that does no harm to you – similar to the mockingbird. it’s wrong to do harm to them as all they do is just sing.

 

img_20332. The Great Gatsby

Another one I had no choice in reading as I was doing it for my English A-level but this also has a powerful meaning behind the book. The book explores how the obsession with riches and status can damage and ruin your whole journey of life. Gatsby’s obsession with not only money but Daisy Buchanan leaves readers in despair as they slowly watch his life slip away. The unique use of symbols by Fitzgerald hints at how in life we chase after materialistic things leaving behind the importance of value and morals as they may seem less important. The use of the blue water and the green light leaves readers in suspense of just how¬†the “great” Gatsby ends up in the deep end.

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3. A Piece Of Cake

Cupcake Brown’s memoir of how her twisted life of pain and struggles left me reading on and on. I felt amazed of how a young girl manages¬†to go through the death of a parent, child abuse, drugs and poverty¬† to become an amazing author. I personally enjoy sad books as they allow me to reveal my emotions and relate to the character¬†and this book did just that. The fact that these events were all true also acts as an added interest.

constance-briscoe-beyond-ugly-triumphing-over-a-loveless-childhood-_14. Ugly

Similar to a piece of cake , Ugly explores the true story of Constance Briscoe and her journey through life as she faces abuse from her mother. Her harrowing journey ends with happiness as she finally becomes a barrister at the end of it. A brilliant book to read and a mixture of both melancholic and joyful moments.